How I found the one and shat all over it

All my life, I dreamt of how I’d meet prince charming. I’d drop some books on the street and he’d help me pick them up. I’d be on the bus and he’d take a seat next to me.

But screw those cliches.

I met my prince charming at an orgy.

Didn’t know what to expect when I walked into that room. It was my first time at an orgy so I was nervous as hell. Told the guy who invited me I wouldn’t participate; would just watch and satisfy the voyeur in me.

Saw the people. No one was my type. No one. Except this guy. While people were getting freaky inside, there was one guy who sat on the sofa watching TV in his undies. He looked cute. But I didn’t know how cute he was until later on. I was too intimidated to make a move and went inside to see all the action.

15 minutes later, I started getting in the mood. I took my shirt off and got a hard on at all the sights I was seeing. Took a break and got out of the room. Oh shit! I see Mister Right wearing his clothes and getting ready to leave.

Ummm… no. This hot guy won’t slip away from my fingers. You know how hard it is to find The One at an orgy? Very. I decided: “There’s no way in hell he’s leaving”.

So I head over to him. He was talking to the orgy organizer who was convincing him to stay. “Yeah, man. Don’t leave”, I say, and introduce myself. I put my hands on him and unbutton his shirt. He smiles.

Fuck, this guy’s not cute. He’s hot. He’s the perfect hot boy next door. The epitome of my type. With the perfect smile. And it seemed that he liked me as well… because he didn’t leave. He took his shirt off and stripped back to his underwear.

I grab his hand and usher him to the bathroom. Yes, the bathroom. I’m not gonna fuck prince charming in front of everyone on the bed. This is personal. This is romance. This is our first time.

Now we’re in the bathroom. Both in our underwear. Kissing passionately. Sparks are flying. I couldn’t believe I got that lucky at an orgy. I might just end up with true love Instead of ending up with an STD. I remove his underwear and put his cock in my mouth. Suck on it like you would your lover. His moans… oh, his manly moans. Was like sucking off a straight guy. Total turn on.

My ass was ready. I grab a condom and put it on him. Some lube, and he was inside me.

“Ahhh… fuck”, we both screamed.

We were one. United. He could feel my insides beating and I could sense him throbbing inside me. What better feeling?

As he’s fucking me hard, I smell something fishy. Could it be? No, it can’t be.

I look at him and he has the most horrified look on his face.

“What’s wrong?”, I ask.

“Ummm…”, he mumbled.

I don’t think he had the heart to say it. Or the stomach.

I take his cock out of my ass and look at it.

Shit! (Not the expression. But the actual feces.)

“Oh my God”, I screamed out loud. There was actual shit on his dick.

I came to the orgy unprepared and didn’t clean my ass. What was I thinking? How could I let someone fuck me without emptying my fucking bowels?

Do you know the meaning of the word “mortified”? I was mortified. Ever since that night, I use that word wisely. Because nothing… and I mean nothing… is more mortifying that taking a dump on a beautiful guy (unless he asks for it which is a totally different scenario).

“Sorry, man. I didn’t clean. I’m so sorry”, I was embarrassed.

“It’s okay, it happens”. Sweet words, but the boy was traumatized.

I stand up and touch my ass. It wasn’t just the hole. There was shit on my fucking cheeks. Like, really? Is this really happening? By now, the whole room smelled like a sewer. I take a tissue, clean up a bit, try to salvage the situation.

Now he’s getting ready to leave because his boner’s dead.

He reassures me: “It’s okay”. He cleans himself up.

But I didn’t want him to leave. I was adamant on making this work. This shit won’t slow me down.

I make him sit down, remove the now chocolate-colored condom, and play with his dick. I suck that mother off like there’s no tomorrow, all while trying to act like I don’t smell the shit. He’s trying to focus as well. I mean, there’s shit all over the place. Even a bit on my hands.

The guy’s a trooper. He cums. He actually enjoyed it. I could tell. Either that or he was so in a hurry to get the fuck out that he forcibly released that shit.

He came and he was out of there faster than you can say
“heydon’tleaveyou’retheonesorryIshatalloveryoucanIpleasegetyournumber”.

And he was out of there. And I was left all alone in that bathroom to pick up the pieces. And clean the shit.

I told the orgy organizer what happened and told him to contact him on Whatsapp and give him my number. He never contacted me. A part of me was offended. Another part of me was like “duhh you idiot”.

That night, I learned two things.

- Never have sex without cleaning up

- Love conquers all. But not shit.

Bro

Spent years wondering how I’d come out to you.

Scenario 1: I’d drop the bombshell at your wedding. Yes, at the altar. “Bro, I’m gay. But think of it this way, I’d never put you through the torture of being the best man”.

Scenario 2: At our parent’s funeral. I figure you wouldn’t punch me in the face while you’re crying.

Scenario 3: You’d walk in on me fucking a guy. Well, in that case I wouldn’t have to come out.

Little did I know it would happen when I least expected it: at my party. I wanted you to come for a reason: to let you into my world. But I never thought I’d have the balls to come out to you then. Guess I still wasn’t ready.

So all these gay people are sitting on the stairs. My gay friends are dancing. And you’re sippin’ on a drink, telling me: “Wow… that’s a lot of gay people”.

I couldn’t help it. The words just came out. “You know I’m gay right?”

And then you said the sweetest word a little brother could ever say. It really fills my heart with warmth.

“Duhhhhh”.

Then you laughed.

And that was it. I never thought one simple one-syllable word could bring me that much joy.

I don’t know how you grew up to be so open-minded and accepting of people around you (I’d like to think the Will and Grace episodes I exposed you to played a role) but I’m happy you are.

I really lucked out in the bro department. Here’s to you habibi.

May the Fastest (and Dirtiest) Readers Win

ATTENTION ALL GUTTER FANS:

So the first GUTTER party was definitely worth the dirt.

Now… two good news.

The first is that there is a second installment happening tomorrow (Saturday, December 21) at Old Raidy Printing Press in Gemmayze! :) It’s called “The Movie Wrap-Up”.

Second piece of “good news”?

I’m giving away a 50% discount on every ticket purchased online…. to the quickest (and hopefully dirtiest) THREE readers. So instead of $30, you’ll be paying $15.

Step #1: Go to Ihjoz: https://www.ihjoz.com/events/251-gutter-the-movie-wrap

Step #2: Place your order. (You can order 10 tickets max)

Step #3: Use the Discount Code: beirutboy

Step #4: Press “Checkout”

Step #5: Go to GUTTER and find out why it’s “a party worth the dirt”.

This time around, GUTTER is not just a party, it’s a “platform for artistic expression”, with artists of different fields adding their flavor to this spectacle.

RSVP here: https://www.facebook.com/events/678946082136048/

GUTTER POSTER

My Grindr Fails

Ah, the price you have to pay to get laid in Gay Lebanon.

The attitudes you have to put up with.

The meanness you have to face.

The idiocy. The stupidity.

I’ve compiled some screenshots of some of the worst chats I’ve had. Just some…

What are your worst? Please do share… and let’s laugh/cry/light a candle for GayLeb together.

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And GUTTER Was Born

Gay scene, rejoice. You have a new party concept.

It’s called GUTTER, a party worth the dirt.

That’s where you’ll find me this Friday.

A night of unconventional art, loud music, sexy dancing, and impressive live shows. Never mind the dirt.

FB COVER

Date: Friday, November 8
Venue: Artheum – Art Lounge (Karantina)
Time: 9PM

Check out GUTTER on Facebook:

Page Link: https://www.facebook.com/gutter
Event Link: https://www.facebook.com/events/561095360627574/

Faking It

Let me pretend you’re not Syrian and travelin to Europe in a week. Pretend I’m not Lebanese and wishing I was back in Europe.

Pretend this isn’t a one night thing. A one afternoon thing. A two hour thing.

Pretend I don’t know I’m cute. That you’re the first guy to tell me I have a nice smile.

Pretend I don’t have gym after this. The only thing I wanna be lifting is you.

Pretend I’m not tired. I promise you I’m into this. No, I’m not drop dead exhausted after work.

Pretend I’m not sleeping. I’m just laying my head on the pillow seductively.

Pretend I’m ripped. Suck in my stomach a bit as I take off my shirt.

Pretend yours is the first dick I see. I haven’t had one taste so good before.

Pretend I don’t know where this is headed. This is not a one nighter. See the way I kiss you? It’s forever.

Pretend like I’m the first guy who touches you like that. Like I’m the only one who can make you cum like that.

Pretend that I’m into cuddling. I see it in the movies. See? I’m a total romantic.

Pretend that when I lay my head on your chest, I’m in love.

Pretend that I’m your boyfriend. If only for a minute.

Pretend that I’ve finally found the one.

Pretend that we’re in our own little heaven. Sleeping together in a room overlooking the Pacific. Not in an apartment you share with flatmates.

Pretend that after this, we’ll go out for a walk holding hands.

Pretend that I’m totally comfortable sleeping like that on your hand. Can’t you hear me breathing hard?

Pretend that I don’t have a runny nose. I don’t need a tissue. I sniff back the snot.

Pretend that this is intimacy. What I’ve always been looking for.

Pretend that when you kiss my hand, I get butterflies in my stomach.

Pretend that as I spoon you and sniff your hair, I’m surrendering. Breakin down the walls so many before you have built.

Pretend that I’m gonna see you again after this. It’ll be a dinner. Made by me. Candles and everything.

Pretend that the last kiss we share at the door isn’t our last. It’s only the beginning.

on the line

As I stand next to my sleeping grandpa in the hospital, I feel stupid.

It’s Friday night and I just got out of work where I had been stressing out the whole week.

“Am I good enough?”

“Will I deliver everything on time today?”

“I CAN’T leave before coming up with something creative”

All this stress. All these worries. These insecurities. As if that’s what’s important,  you know?

I look at my grandpa’s stitches on his head. That’s what matters.

He’s not wakin up. That’s what’s real.

His life. That’s what’s on the line.

He’s been sleeping for 7 days straight. Yeah that’s sad. But I’m just as comatose as he is. Blinded by the things I think are important.

I know what’s important.  Family. Health. Relationships are important. Briefs, work, clients, come second.

As I help them carry my grandpa on the stretcher to do yet another scan…seeing him in pain… I tear up. Sad… but ironically, it’s the first sincere raw human emotion I showed all week. It’s the most… important… thing I did all week.